We've all read the prognostications given by the usual over-paid rock stars about who will win the America's Cup. This just in: Nobody will win - the event has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

Naw, despite what a dog and pony show this thing has become, it'll happen, and since we are known for calling 'em like we see 'em, here's how we see this one playing out, from worst to first.

French - God damn French. If there ever was a people easier to dislike…The frogs have never won, and never will. A penchant for bad boats and indifferent sailing, they've now displayed once and for all how low and dirty a Frenchman will go by accepting sponsor money from a Nuclear power company. Ah, but when you are French, it is all so easy to bend over. They will surprise no one and accomplish little, other than piss away all that Nuke dough. Au revoir, you fucks. At least you've still got Euro Disney.

Mascalzone Latino - This is what happens when an Eyetallyon has too much money. Talk about a guaranteed waste of a whole bunch of lira. And yen, if the reports of Japanese investors are true. This program has no chance. None. Oronato is by most accounts a decent sailor and his main guy Vasssco Vascolli Vascotti Vascitti seems to be good at calling the shots, but this is a league beyond the big leagues. The AC would be like if you took only the wealthiest owners and best players from the NFL and started a new league. And Onorato is the top Arena Football Team. They'll get crushed, but at least they'll look good while doing it. Like past wop efforts, hopefully this guy doesn't own a gun.

The Swedes - They have an entry? I wonder what for. Oh, to go sailboat racing. Got it. But certainly not to win. Not a chance. They might also be there to remind everyone that this is the country that the car company comes from that threw all that money ($35 million or so) at the VOR. And most certainly won't return. Exactly like this AC effort. Oh yeah, Manni Frers will show us that he isn't any better than his rich daddy, who wasn't very good either. There is a wild card with Magnus Holmberg, but after Homeboy wins a start, their AC version of "the fat bottom girl" (what a stupid nickname) will be forced to tack away approximately 6 minutes afterwards, officially signaling the end to each race.

GBR Challenge - The Poms were the first (other than the French, of course) to garner chuckles and guffaws when it was announced that they were throwing their hat in the AC ring. What, Lionheart Too? What chance do these pasty skins have this time? Perhaps more than could be rightly considered. Surprisingly, they've been pretty good so far on the racecourse, and they have some good sailors on board. They've also put themselves a bit higher up the design food chain with their stolen design info, but reality will ultimately deal them a swift kick to the nuts. Their final boats will be off the pace and the boys will melt when it counts. Now, back to where you came from, and let us never speak of this AC nonsense again!

One World Challenge - This one has had an odor to it from the get go, and it seems to get worse as it goes. There is still doubt about the program's ability to see it through, given McCaw's shaky financial standing. They've got major problems almost everywhere (Sean Reeves, syndicate viability, money woes), any of which would be a liability, but add them all together and you get one of the biggest debacles in the history of the cup. Oh yeah, somehow the team of Davidson/Kaiko/Nelson just doesn't have the same ring to it as, say Farr or Peterson. Well, at least they've got Peter Gilmour. Now he can add another zero to his AC win column.

Team Dennis Conner - How I'd love to rate him lower, but it doesn't look like I can. Until the practice of liver transplants is perfected, this has got to be the last go around for him, right? There are a couple of factors at work in his favor, notably the money to build a second boat. Since he can't tuck that money under his size 52 belt this time, he has to do a second one. One gets the feeling that Reichel is due to draw something quite fast. He hasn't yet, mind you, but if anyone can, it is him.

There is also some experience at work here, but I discount that. A good boat in the hands of somebody younger and faster will smoke these guys. I'm also not sold on Read. He's a skilled driver, but as a leader under pressure, he looks very vulnerable. Well, at least they've got Isler, doing little other than repeating some electronic numbers that will contribute almost nothing and could be done by a chimpanzee. And be more exciting too. I think they'll do well but ultimately fade and perhaps even implode when crunch time rolls around.

TNZ - The heart, soul and testicles have been ripped right out of this proud and determined effort. The surgery was performed by Dr. Money, who used all the delicacy of a disbarred Doc after a 4 day coke binge. The patient has suffered severe trauma, lost an amazing amount of blood, and has little chance for recovery. The prognosis is they'll never be able to play the game like they did, and frankly even walking, at this point, would be all they can hope for. From a distance, they look okay, but upon closer inspection, the stench of death becomes clear. It doesn't look like this one's going to make it.

Oracle - This is the team that would have won it all, if not for their nearly insane owner, Ellison. They had every critical ingredient in place: Major amounts of money, Bruce Farr, Paul Cayard, Chris Dickson. Christ, had they played it right, they would have been the most powerful effort out there, and would have been viciously ruthless in their climb to the top step on the podium. But insanity won out, Cayard and Dick will be sitting and Ellison will be driving. What a major, major mistake and one that will go down in history as "what in the fuck was that guy thinking?"

The Swiss - Here is the Team that has all of the above minus two huge factors, one of which will keep them going, the other which will ultimately do them in. They got the dough, and they've got Coutts. I think sometimes it is easy to forget about how really, really, really good he is. He's Clearly the best skipper out there (assuming of course Kostecki doesn't show up, in which case all bets are off) and probably the one guy who is truly worth the money that people are getting paid. Tough, smart, cagey and as skilled a driver as anyone, and perhaps more so, he, like Kostecki, wins in everything he sails.

The two factors that they are missing though are

1. The insanity of Ellison (because by now he would have relegated Coutts to tender driver). This of course will help the effort and get them far, but because they don't have
2. The real Farr, they ultimately will fall short, because when it is all said and done, this is a design contest. And as much as I respect the work of Rolf Vrolijk, I just don't see him getting it done on the level of the Big Boys.

Prada - And it is here, home of the world of big fashion and big money, is where the Biggest Boy of the AC design world, Doug Peterson, also calls home. What he has done in the era of the modern AC boat is simply phenomenal. If not for some equally phenomenally bad sailing in the finals, he could have won another one. The odds are great that Peterson will, given the time, experience, money and unmatched raw talent that he possesses, come up with an incredible boat. Have other designers caught up to his once incredible lead in the design derby? Perhaps, but one would be foolish to think that Peterson, always an innovator, won't come up with, once again, something very outstanding. And so it is their sailing, notably the after guard, that was truly their weak point. They've added some fresh talent, and Rod Davis has a much more active role sailing the boats. Frankly, I'd be surprised if he wasn't steering. And steering them to a win. I like Prada in a very close LV final win over Coutts, and then a resounding ass-kicking (just like the one they received last time) against the Kiwis.